My Spiritual Journey...From Nowhere to Now-Here
When we look back on the seasons and cycles of our lives that have led to where we are in any given moment, we see the threads that connect the dots and the roundabout treks that kept taking us to where we were somehow meant to be. For all the limbs we go out on, stars we reach for, ground we hug, circles we keep going round, and the abysses we sometimes find ourselves facing or falling into -- we realize that most of what is important in life happens during the journey, rather than at our destinations.
The sojourning of my own early quests for truth and meaning had taken me through many hundreds of books and miles all over the world. I had thrown out God with the Bible-belt bathwater as a child, and so I continued to adamantly push away anything about "God," "soul" or "Spirit." At the same time, I instinctively used every experience and relationship to sound for some deeper truth. This inner-driven quest had helped me to survive childhood traumas and cultivated an ability to see the "more than meets the eye" hidden within all of us and everything. Still, in searching everywhere for something unnameable that I could not find anywhere, I began to feel the emptiness of going nowhere.
And then one day, staring into the void on a street corner in Manhattan, everything changed after a big semi-truck barreled down the street too close to the curb and everyone jumped back but me.
The sojourning of my own early quests for truth and meaning had taken me through many hundreds of books and miles all over the world. I had thrown out God with the Bible-belt bathwater as a child, and so I continued to adamantly push away anything about "God," "soul" or "Spirit." At the same time, I instinctively used every experience and relationship to sound for some deeper truth. This inner-driven quest had helped me to survive childhood traumas and cultivated an ability to see the "more than meets the eye" hidden within all of us and everything. Still, in searching everywhere for something unnameable that I could not find anywhere, I began to feel the emptiness of going nowhere.
And then one day, staring into the void on a street corner in Manhattan, everything changed after a big semi-truck barreled down the street too close to the curb and everyone jumped back but me.
My Brush with Death and a New Life. No, the truck didn't hit me, but it literally brushed the hair forward on my arms as it swerved just the right amount at the last second. I was watching as if in a dream, unblinking, unmoving. As soon as my imminent death did not happen, something stirred in me and I realized that the next time it likely would because something inside me was already dying. In that next moment, that "something" woke up and whispered a little four-letter word I had never said in my whole life..."help." That's when everything began to change.
The next day, I had an unexpected encounter with someone close to me who I hadn't seen in quite awhile who said something to me about God. I don't know if it was the timeliness of that or the extraordinary light I saw coming off of him, but as I walked away I felt a very strange and unexpected joy. From that day on, I began to experience what would become a six-month series of remarkable spiritual "happenings" on the streets of New York with a litany of strange and magical strangers.
My life turned into a daily parade of homeless "winos," "bag ladies" and other down-and-outers, including an extraordinary encounter and evening with a drunken priest who was lying on 72nd Street in New York when I encountered him. It turns out he had been a Trappist monk at Gethsemane monastery in Kentucky with Thomas Merton. And it just so happened that I was born in Kentucky and had visited Gethsemane not long before. And just that night my friend with all the light around him had given me a copy of Thomas Merton's autobiography, Seven Storey Mountain, which I had in my bag when I was inwardly instructed to "pick up" the man lying on the street. I would realize after many encounters like this that all the things I was being instructed to do for others were actually the means given for my own transformation.
As this magical time continued, wise strangers would suddenly approach me and say the most amazing things out of the blue. Keith Sherwood, who would later become a renowned spiritual teacher in Europe, was one of those who shepherded me through that remarkable time as a new serendipitous friend. Many others would serve as momentary guides and spiritual "steerage," some of whom I was given to help in simple but extraordinary ways. What connected all these experiences was a palpable "Christ-presence" through which my heart was being opened to love in a deeper way.
Then began years of “inner tuitions” waking and sleeping. I was guided into the esoteric depths of Christianity and tutored inwardly in the deeper meanings of the sayings of Jesus and others through the ages – especially those who have come to show us that the Divine is not separate from us, but within us. And I was given to understand that the Christ energy is not in the exclusive purview of any one religion, but is a kind of “free energy” – a “Cosmic Christ” that is Divine Love-consciousness woven into the fabric of all souls, only needing our recognition and engagement.
The next day, I had an unexpected encounter with someone close to me who I hadn't seen in quite awhile who said something to me about God. I don't know if it was the timeliness of that or the extraordinary light I saw coming off of him, but as I walked away I felt a very strange and unexpected joy. From that day on, I began to experience what would become a six-month series of remarkable spiritual "happenings" on the streets of New York with a litany of strange and magical strangers.
My life turned into a daily parade of homeless "winos," "bag ladies" and other down-and-outers, including an extraordinary encounter and evening with a drunken priest who was lying on 72nd Street in New York when I encountered him. It turns out he had been a Trappist monk at Gethsemane monastery in Kentucky with Thomas Merton. And it just so happened that I was born in Kentucky and had visited Gethsemane not long before. And just that night my friend with all the light around him had given me a copy of Thomas Merton's autobiography, Seven Storey Mountain, which I had in my bag when I was inwardly instructed to "pick up" the man lying on the street. I would realize after many encounters like this that all the things I was being instructed to do for others were actually the means given for my own transformation.
As this magical time continued, wise strangers would suddenly approach me and say the most amazing things out of the blue. Keith Sherwood, who would later become a renowned spiritual teacher in Europe, was one of those who shepherded me through that remarkable time as a new serendipitous friend. Many others would serve as momentary guides and spiritual "steerage," some of whom I was given to help in simple but extraordinary ways. What connected all these experiences was a palpable "Christ-presence" through which my heart was being opened to love in a deeper way.
Then began years of “inner tuitions” waking and sleeping. I was guided into the esoteric depths of Christianity and tutored inwardly in the deeper meanings of the sayings of Jesus and others through the ages – especially those who have come to show us that the Divine is not separate from us, but within us. And I was given to understand that the Christ energy is not in the exclusive purview of any one religion, but is a kind of “free energy” – a “Cosmic Christ” that is Divine Love-consciousness woven into the fabric of all souls, only needing our recognition and engagement.
Becoming a Spiritual Everywoman. To support these teachings, I was given the instruction to explore not only the Bible, but also the holy books of other traditions, and so I delved into Sufism, Buddhism, Hinduism, native traditions and non-denominational spiritual paths. I read parts of the Book of Mormon, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Vedas, the Tao and other spiritual and mystical texts. I was deeply drawn to the works of Trappist monk Thomas Merton, Teillard de Chardin, C.S. Lewis, George MacDonald, William Blake, Rumi and Hafiz, and I read Williams James' The Varieties of Religious Experience, Huston Smith's World Religions, the Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ, the Seth books, and many many more. Years later I would also spend a year in ecumenical studies at One Spirit Seminary in New York. In all this, I became fascinated with the sameness at the heart of so many religions and paths despite their wide range of vocabularies, creeds and cultures.
All these multi-traditional and inner explorations showed me some of the exquisite Divine paradoxes at play in human life – one of the most beautiful of which is that our collective diversity is an expression of the diverse nature of the Divine Itself. And yet, as diverse as we are outwardly, the sameness in our hearts allows us to come back into unity with each other and the Divine at any time through mutual heart-connection. “All roads lead home for any heart willing to come,” I was told inwardly. It seems that we are so loved in our humanity that the Divine "I AM" Truth meets us in as many different ways as we seek it – and that it enjoys whatever creed, language, ritual, path or soapbox we choose – as long as the Love at its heart is conveyed.
All these multi-traditional and inner explorations showed me some of the exquisite Divine paradoxes at play in human life – one of the most beautiful of which is that our collective diversity is an expression of the diverse nature of the Divine Itself. And yet, as diverse as we are outwardly, the sameness in our hearts allows us to come back into unity with each other and the Divine at any time through mutual heart-connection. “All roads lead home for any heart willing to come,” I was told inwardly. It seems that we are so loved in our humanity that the Divine "I AM" Truth meets us in as many different ways as we seek it – and that it enjoys whatever creed, language, ritual, path or soapbox we choose – as long as the Love at its heart is conveyed.
A Spiritual Challenge. While continuing to explore different paths and ways, one morning an instruction was given to me inwardly which would impact my spiritual journey from that moment on: “Let not my words as they come from the saintliest lips or the holiest books come before my Word at the altar of your own heart.” I realized that I was being called to a deeper personal “response-ability” to measure any outer teaching against the Teacher Within. Despite caution from clerics and church dogma about “the hazards of self-deception and rationalization,” it was essentially about putting the inner Divine first.
As a lifelong seeker of the resonances of truth wherever I could find them, I understood that my every quest from then on must start and end in the truth of my own heart and soul, and that I must strive toward an outer life that would express and keep faith with my inner being. I began now more consciously to sound for a personally resonant truth in everything I spoke, heard, read and wrote, every conversation and encounter, every event, path and purpose I undertook – and measure their veracity for my life at, indeed, the altar of my own heart.
But there was something missing in my understanding of truth that I wouldn’t get until years later. In the meantime, truth – the trickster and shapeshifter that it often is – led me down many winding roads and off-roads rattling my resistant inner cages of pride, doubt, belief or non-belief, always seeking the heart of the matter or the person, teaching me to listen to not only what was said, but what longed to be – to see not only what was visible, but what was hidden. Everything I thought I knew was challenged to new perceptions and questions, urging me to relax my beliefs and rigidities and allow even truth itself to evolve into new truths.
As a lifelong seeker of the resonances of truth wherever I could find them, I understood that my every quest from then on must start and end in the truth of my own heart and soul, and that I must strive toward an outer life that would express and keep faith with my inner being. I began now more consciously to sound for a personally resonant truth in everything I spoke, heard, read and wrote, every conversation and encounter, every event, path and purpose I undertook – and measure their veracity for my life at, indeed, the altar of my own heart.
But there was something missing in my understanding of truth that I wouldn’t get until years later. In the meantime, truth – the trickster and shapeshifter that it often is – led me down many winding roads and off-roads rattling my resistant inner cages of pride, doubt, belief or non-belief, always seeking the heart of the matter or the person, teaching me to listen to not only what was said, but what longed to be – to see not only what was visible, but what was hidden. Everything I thought I knew was challenged to new perceptions and questions, urging me to relax my beliefs and rigidities and allow even truth itself to evolve into new truths.
Discovering a Truer-Truth. One day I fell down the stairs while carrying a heavy box, and my plans for a major office overhaul were derailed, since I could barely move. The only thing I could do the next day was to sit in one spot and read or write. I chose the latter, and hobbled outside to a veranda overlooking the Hudson River where I lived in upstate New York. As I began to settle down and go within, suddenly two "characters" piped up in full dialogue. Who are you? I asked. They called themselves Love and Truth, and they launched into a story of their early days, in the "hinterlands of time," when Truth decided to go off on its own without Love in order to "seek its truer self." The experience of bringing through that story – perhaps more of an allegory or parable – was one of the most cathartic of my life. Such a profound teaching for me, yet so simply told. I got the heart and bones of it from beginning to end that day, and in the months that followed it was fleshed out as I was more and more able to receive the depths. Eventually this poignant fable of Love and Truth brought me to this realization – that slowly, gently, crazily and passionately, my whole life truth had been leading me to learn its most important lesson of all: that no truth can be a whole Truth without the all-seeing of Love.
And so, I saw that the “truer-truth,” or “greater truth” – which I now understand as Love and Truth commingled – includes rather than excludes, unites rather than divides, and illuminates our worthiness rather than instilling shame or doubt. This is because this more whole truth knows our whole story, in and out of time. A truly loving truth knows that there is always more to us than meets anyone’s eye, including our own. And it sees the longing in our hearts to love and be loved, to know and express more of who we truly are, and to give something good and worthwhile to this world from the love and truth of who we are – however we may seem to fall short sometimes. Even then, love, as healer and transformer, meets us wherever we are with whatever is needed – gently coaxing the newly evolving truth of ourselves into a new light of day. Every time we wander off into the pitfalls of self-forgetting, it is love that invites our prodigal self back to who we are and what matters most. Every time we suffer terrible loss and heartache, it is love, as the creation energy of the Divine within the Human, that brings us forward to the new and shows us the deeper truths of life – that love never leaves and life always rebirths itself in one form or another.
And so, I saw that the “truer-truth,” or “greater truth” – which I now understand as Love and Truth commingled – includes rather than excludes, unites rather than divides, and illuminates our worthiness rather than instilling shame or doubt. This is because this more whole truth knows our whole story, in and out of time. A truly loving truth knows that there is always more to us than meets anyone’s eye, including our own. And it sees the longing in our hearts to love and be loved, to know and express more of who we truly are, and to give something good and worthwhile to this world from the love and truth of who we are – however we may seem to fall short sometimes. Even then, love, as healer and transformer, meets us wherever we are with whatever is needed – gently coaxing the newly evolving truth of ourselves into a new light of day. Every time we wander off into the pitfalls of self-forgetting, it is love that invites our prodigal self back to who we are and what matters most. Every time we suffer terrible loss and heartache, it is love, as the creation energy of the Divine within the Human, that brings us forward to the new and shows us the deeper truths of life – that love never leaves and life always rebirths itself in one form or another.
Meetings with Remarkable Angels. I was initially drawn to the ancient Kabbalah, from which the 72 Angels and Tree of Life tradition emerged, because many of the truths at the heart of its mysticism had been spoken within me my whole life in different vocabularies. Yet at the same time I was somewhat resistant. Later I would understand that I was resisting the popular concepts of Angels which continue to put the focus on them as spiritual powers that are above or outside of us, which often keep us disengaged from the Divine within us. But as I would soon discover, the 72 Angels tradition was different, deeper, more personal – and unknown by pretty much everyone on my side of the world.
I learned that the early Kabbalah mystics and scholars understood the roles of the 72 Angels in both the cosmos and human life in ways that go much beyond our age-old concepts of them as "guardians" and "messengers." They are regarded as light-emanations of the Divine Itself that Kabbalah collectively calls the energetic embodiments of “the Divine Name-in-Detail." Likewise, I was inwardly given to understand them as "refractions" or "angles" of the Divine Light, which reveal the inherent diverse qualities of Its nature. I also began to suspect in my research of Kabbalah writings and mysticism with other traditions, including Christianity, that the 72 Angels were perhaps the mysterious "Angels of the Presence" that are referred to as either singular or plural in various passages of the Old Testament -- not as created beings, but as "faces," or the "Presence(s)," of the Divine Itself. At each appearance the "Angel of the Presence" would exhibit a particular attribute and meet a particular need of humankind. The correspondence to the mysteries of the 72 Angels tradition is uncanny. Indeed, there is something different about these 72 Angels -- something that connects them to the very soul-substance of humanity and how we are made, and increased, in the "image and likeness" of the Divine.
I learned that the early Kabbalah mystics and scholars understood the roles of the 72 Angels in both the cosmos and human life in ways that go much beyond our age-old concepts of them as "guardians" and "messengers." They are regarded as light-emanations of the Divine Itself that Kabbalah collectively calls the energetic embodiments of “the Divine Name-in-Detail." Likewise, I was inwardly given to understand them as "refractions" or "angles" of the Divine Light, which reveal the inherent diverse qualities of Its nature. I also began to suspect in my research of Kabbalah writings and mysticism with other traditions, including Christianity, that the 72 Angels were perhaps the mysterious "Angels of the Presence" that are referred to as either singular or plural in various passages of the Old Testament -- not as created beings, but as "faces," or the "Presence(s)," of the Divine Itself. At each appearance the "Angel of the Presence" would exhibit a particular attribute and meet a particular need of humankind. The correspondence to the mysteries of the 72 Angels tradition is uncanny. Indeed, there is something different about these 72 Angels -- something that connects them to the very soul-substance of humanity and how we are made, and increased, in the "image and likeness" of the Divine.
Angelic Baptism. The very act of writing the first Birth Angels book (published in 2004) became an ongoing baptism into the Angelic Kabbalah and the deeper mysteries of the Divine that are hidden not only in the mystical heart of many, if not most, traditions -- but most intimately and relevantly, within us. Over time, I felt the transformative effects of the 72 Angels in my own heart and life. And as complex as the tradition is, it was not my accumulating knowledge, but the awakening of inner awareness that seemed to set the stage for transformation. And it wasn’t so much about what I had to do, as what I was being invited to allow. Indeed, changes were being orchestrated within and around me without my doing anything, really, and the magic of synchronicity and coincidence was everywhere, with everyone I encountered. Most profoundly, I felt a new breath of life breathing itself within me, for me – and most remarkably, as me.
In these transformative dynamics of working with the 72 Angelic Energies, I discerned the tradition's link with Hermetics and ancient alchemy, which is about transforming the base "mettle" of our humanity into the spiritual gold of higher consciousness and being. My research confirmed this, for there is indeed a tradition known as the "Hermetic Kabbalah," which began to be connected to the Angelic Kabbalah in medieval times because both traditions are all about transformation. Kabbalah says that these 72 "Angles" of Divine Love-Light serve as transformative awakeners and amplifiers within us of the many energetic colors and qualities of the Divine "I AM" of Love and Truth imprinted at every level of our hue-man beingness and which are reflected in the diversity of humanity. As expressions of the Divine Heart, the 72 Angels enable us to draw on particular aspects of our own inner Divine in our days and hours of challenge and potential, and also help us to know what part of the Divine we are here to uniquely express.
In these transformative dynamics of working with the 72 Angelic Energies, I discerned the tradition's link with Hermetics and ancient alchemy, which is about transforming the base "mettle" of our humanity into the spiritual gold of higher consciousness and being. My research confirmed this, for there is indeed a tradition known as the "Hermetic Kabbalah," which began to be connected to the Angelic Kabbalah in medieval times because both traditions are all about transformation. Kabbalah says that these 72 "Angles" of Divine Love-Light serve as transformative awakeners and amplifiers within us of the many energetic colors and qualities of the Divine "I AM" of Love and Truth imprinted at every level of our hue-man beingness and which are reflected in the diversity of humanity. As expressions of the Divine Heart, the 72 Angels enable us to draw on particular aspects of our own inner Divine in our days and hours of challenge and potential, and also help us to know what part of the Divine we are here to uniquely express.
Going Deeper. Years after publication of Birth Angels, I was compelled to create a work that would give each of the 72 Angels a voice for our time and a dynamic presence in our daily lives. And thus in 2013 I began the Birth Angels Book of Days, which would encompass five volumes of Daily Wisdoms with the 72 Angels spanning their five cycles of support over the entire year. The inspired co-creation of this work has taken me on the next transformative journey of my own life, which is still ongoing.
Ultimately, the Wisdoms say, and as I've experienced, it’s not about what we must do to be “more spiritual,” but rather our willingness to allow awareness of our inherently-Divine nature to emerge and expand into all our feeling, thinking, being and doing. Always, the Wisdoms remind us, it is “the softer, receptive side of will that is willingness” which brings us into the full power of our Divine-Human beingness. This doesn’t mean the capitulation of our human will – but rather the recognition that “Thy Will” is the will of the Divine that is so very personally and relevantly present within us as our own truest will.
In this we come to know that Divine-Self realization is about the full engagement of all our Divine and Human aspects – not a matter of our humanity “getting out of the way,” but rather “becoming the way” – echoing perhaps what mystic-scholar Andrew Harvey calls, the "divinization of our humanity." By realizing that even what we consider to be the grosser “humus” of our humanity is also Divine, we can honor our flesh and bone, ego and personality as co-creators in the manifesting life of our soul on Earth – not to be shamed or diminished in their importance, but ennobled and purposed by the soul-light within.
Ultimately, the Wisdoms say, and as I've experienced, it’s not about what we must do to be “more spiritual,” but rather our willingness to allow awareness of our inherently-Divine nature to emerge and expand into all our feeling, thinking, being and doing. Always, the Wisdoms remind us, it is “the softer, receptive side of will that is willingness” which brings us into the full power of our Divine-Human beingness. This doesn’t mean the capitulation of our human will – but rather the recognition that “Thy Will” is the will of the Divine that is so very personally and relevantly present within us as our own truest will.
In this we come to know that Divine-Self realization is about the full engagement of all our Divine and Human aspects – not a matter of our humanity “getting out of the way,” but rather “becoming the way” – echoing perhaps what mystic-scholar Andrew Harvey calls, the "divinization of our humanity." By realizing that even what we consider to be the grosser “humus” of our humanity is also Divine, we can honor our flesh and bone, ego and personality as co-creators in the manifesting life of our soul on Earth – not to be shamed or diminished in their importance, but ennobled and purposed by the soul-light within.
As above, so below. It wasn’t until I was well underway with the Book of Days project that all the clues and threads and breadcrumbs I had been given about the dynamics of love and truth in our lives began to be connected and coalesced within me. As in the ancient alchemical mysteries of “as it is above, so it is below,” I finally came to understand the deeper teachings about Love and Truth in the Daily Wisdoms -- that just as the Divine I AM Truth is revealed and expanded by Love, so is the truth of our own unique isness revealed and expanded by love. As we experience when we work at what we love, the energies of love and truth at play in our lives are at the very core of who, how and why we are, and what more we long to make of ourselves on this Earth. It seems that the energetic substance of the 72 Angels within, around and among us activates and amplifies our own soul-awareness and the realization of the Divine within us through all we do and become. And as the Daily Wisdoms tell us in 72 different ways, the beautiful “secret” at the center of life is that through the continual unfolding of our own personal love and truth, we evolve not only ourselves, but the Divine Itself and all the cosmos. Thereby, as scientists term it, the Universe is ever-expanding.
The Long and Winding Road to...Here. As my life and work continue to teach me, knowing is only preparation for the journey – like being given a map before we set out. The journey itself is about using what we know to lead us into experience, and bringing knowledge and experience into the heart where they can be transformed by the alchemical presence of love into a wisdom for living and the ultimate ability to BE what we can know.
And so…as our life journey continues, “being” comes to happen in the small, seemingly inconsequential moments of presence – when we aren’t thinking or worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, when we feel an out-of-the-blue surge of joy for the recognition of what’s right in front of us or inside us. Or when we suddenly realize that we have let the notion of who we should be slip away to the relief of accepting and finally embracing the fullness of who we are. A unique, magnificent and paradoxical Divine-Human being. That’s what work with the 72 Angels, and any spiritual path that invites transformation, calls us to. And the willingness to continually return to the eternal present and allow our inner wonders to emerge in their natural time.
In the meantime, as the Angel HAHAHEL wisdom says, “you do not have to have arrived at your destination to point the way to a fellow traveler.” And so here are these words, hopefully conveying the dynamic love that brought them forth. And there you also likely are in your life, sharing in your own ways what you know and feel and experience as you come to it. I have found through my life and work that every seeming point of arrival is really a pointer to the next leg of the journey, and thus I am still and always journeying. As are you, as are all. But as long as our journeys include the ever-unfolding inner terrains, I trust we’re going somewhere that matters.
And so…as our life journey continues, “being” comes to happen in the small, seemingly inconsequential moments of presence – when we aren’t thinking or worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, when we feel an out-of-the-blue surge of joy for the recognition of what’s right in front of us or inside us. Or when we suddenly realize that we have let the notion of who we should be slip away to the relief of accepting and finally embracing the fullness of who we are. A unique, magnificent and paradoxical Divine-Human being. That’s what work with the 72 Angels, and any spiritual path that invites transformation, calls us to. And the willingness to continually return to the eternal present and allow our inner wonders to emerge in their natural time.
In the meantime, as the Angel HAHAHEL wisdom says, “you do not have to have arrived at your destination to point the way to a fellow traveler.” And so here are these words, hopefully conveying the dynamic love that brought them forth. And there you also likely are in your life, sharing in your own ways what you know and feel and experience as you come to it. I have found through my life and work that every seeming point of arrival is really a pointer to the next leg of the journey, and thus I am still and always journeying. As are you, as are all. But as long as our journeys include the ever-unfolding inner terrains, I trust we’re going somewhere that matters.
Part of the above is excerpted from the Preface of Volume 1 of Birth Angels Book of Days, which features Daily Wisdoms with the 72 Angels spanning March 21 - June 2. |
Image credits:
Header photo of Terah: Stacie Florer
Road and Labyrinth images: Pixabay
Christ Consciousness and Loving Kindness Meditation word-art images: John Hain/Pixabay
Heart-light (recolored): Soundofheart.org - The Galactic Free Press
"Tree of Life" wood carving: KC at EarEmporium
Detail of "God Creating Adam" by Michaelangelo: cocreatorhandbook.com
Header photo of Terah: Stacie Florer
Road and Labyrinth images: Pixabay
Christ Consciousness and Loving Kindness Meditation word-art images: John Hain/Pixabay
Heart-light (recolored): Soundofheart.org - The Galactic Free Press
"Tree of Life" wood carving: KC at EarEmporium
Detail of "God Creating Adam" by Michaelangelo: cocreatorhandbook.com